I'm grateful.

For a heavenly Father who created me in His image and showers me with new mercies every morning.  For his faithfulness that reaches to the heavens, grace that abounds despite our weaknesses, and a powerful love that never lets go.  For the hope we share with all the saints that the ultimate victory is His, that His kingdom reigns even now, and that we have the privilege of participating in His incredible story of redemption.

For a husband who loves me for who I am, not because of what I do, or what I say, or how I look, or what I make for dinner.  For his devotion to the Lord, to his family, and to his work.  For his endless encouragement and support for me, for our children, and for everyone he meets.  For his remarkable gifts that so perfectly complement mine. 

For the blessings of four beautiful children and the countless lessons I learn from each of them each day.  For the pleasure of watching them grow and learn and the honor of being an intimate part of their lives.  For their unique personalities and special gifts that make our family what it is.  For their unconditional love for their fallen parents and knowing when a hug or an “I love you Mom” note will make my world seem right again.

For our families and their generosity, for always being there, for making sure our kids know they’re loved.  For our church family, for being part of a community where we can be vulnerable and receive healing.  For our friends, old and new, near and far.   

For physical well-being, a warm home in a neighborhood we love, and the resources to keep our family fed and clothed.  For my job that has provided me with unbelievable flexibility, an amazing team of colleagues, and daily opportunities to love others.  For the guiding hand of our Father, His provision of the perfect job for Luke, and plans we cannot yet see but will continue to trust.

For beauty, creativity, laughter, peace, wisdom, forgiveness, and seasons of change.  For feeding my soul with the grace-filled rhythms of daily life and rest.

I’m grateful.

finding place

The other night I watched a TedTalk about “The Power of Introverts.”  The speaker talked about what it means to be an introvert in a society that places higher value on the gifts of extroversion.  This was the day after I learned my personality type is ISTJ – introverted, organized, practical, detail-oriented, serious.  Basically a nerd.  And at first I was disappointed, maybe even a little embarrassed.  My husband is the total opposite – ENFP.  Extroverted, a visionary, gregarious, charismatic, compassionate.  I want those personality traits.  I mean, doesn’t everyone want to be outgoing?  The socialite, the life of the party, the everyone-wants-to-be-your-friend cool kid?  That’s certainly how I felt growing up, particularly in those oh so difficult years of junior high formation and beyond.

Then in my first year of college, I was part of a group of a handful of friends on my dorm floor.  I knew from the beginning that I didn’t really fit in, but they were fun girls, so we hung out between classes and in the evenings.  I didn’t really know who I was, and that year was a struggle for me emotionally and spiritually.  My husband and I became engaged over Christmas break, but he lived six hours away, and our long distance relationship was tough.  We spent hours on the phone, making plans and trying to decide what the following year would look like for us.  It caused tension with my roommate and friends; they didn’t understand what I was going through, and I was in my own world for much of the spring semester.  At some point they sat me down for a planned “intervention” type discussion.  I don’t remember details, but I vaguely remember the premise being that I had a problem, and they wanted to help “fix” me.  I walked away from that experience truly believing that there was something seriously wrong with me.  I preferred to be alone, and often when I was with a group, I felt awkwardly out of place and uncomfortable.  I have carried those feelings of social inadequacy deep within me for many years, never really understanding why or how I got to that point. 

I still feel that way in many social settings.  I’ve coped by keeping a smile on my face and trudging my way through small talk if someone starts a conversation with me.  Parties and social events actually create anxiety for me.  I hide behind my extrovert husband and rely on him to lead the way.  And I’ve suffered through this for so long without really knowing why.  I guess if you had asked me, I would have identified myself as an introvert.  But I can’t adequately express the relief I have experienced since learning my personality type and gaining a deeper understanding of who I am.  Not just who I am – who God has created me to be.  He purposely wired me this way, with my own personality and set of skills and abilities.  And how necessary they are – the world needs introverts!  Honestly, if you know my husband you know he needs my practical mind to reign him in sometimes! 

Over the past few years I have begun to grasp the knowledge that my identity is wrapped up in being a daughter of our heavenly Father, uniquely crafted in His image to fill a place in this world that only I can fill.  I’m realizing that for most of my life I have let others to write my story for me.  What joy, what freedom I find when I step back and allow God to write my story and show me how beautifully and wonderfully He made me to be.  I’m growing to be pleased and grateful for who I am, and not so caught up with the idea that there is something wrong with me.  I’m learning to embrace my own giftedness and that of others around me.  And I’m rejoicing in the gentle, gracious Spirit of God that faithfully knits us together to fulfill His kingdom purpose.