awakened to freedom

In one of my recent posts, I wrote about being consumed, about opening my hands and my heart to let the Spirit enter in.  This could be part two of that post.  I’ve been meditating and praying a lot on what this means, and I’ve been seriously amazed at what it can mean.  Over the past several years, I have known I’m missing something in my spiritual life.  I was kind of floating along, playing the part, listening to others and wondering what I’m doing wrong.  I would read certain Scriptures and long for the words to come alive in me, although I really had no idea what that meant.  I felt like I should be further along than I was.  I’ve been raised in a Christian home, went to a Christian college, married a guy who is passionate about his faith and has now been called to holy orders.  Shouldn’t I have “gotten it” by now?  Shouldn’t I be one that others look to as an example, instead of blindly stumbling my way through each day, hoping no one sees the real me? 

A handful of experiences lead me to realize that I had built some pretty thick walls around my heart and soul.  And I had an army protecting those walls.  I was desperate to dictate who and what was allowed in, all the time wondering why I felt so restrained and uneasy.  I determined to do something about it.  I was going to figure out how to make things better.  I prayed about it…every now and then.  I bought books, read blogs, faced hard days with a fierce resolve to get it right.  And I failed.  Over and over.  Nothing worked.  I was so frustrated.

Fast forward to last year.  The Lord started to work on me.  At first it was in ways I didn’t even notice.  But then there were a few key events that were refreshing slaps in the face.  I slowly started to understand that I needed to let Jesus tear my walls down and be my strength.  I remember one evening our Bishop was praying over me, and he told me that he sensed that for my whole life I had been walking alongside a rushing river, and now it was time to jump in.  Yes!  That’s what I want, what I need. 

Not long after this experience, on my way home from a women’s retreat (which was one of those key events), as I drove I had an image of chunks of me falling away, and I was frantically grabbing the pieces and holding them tightly to me, literally trying to hold myself together.  It was a vivid picture of the rigid pattern I had developed in my life, working so hard to look like I’ve got it right, to move through each day in complete control.  I tearfully recognized the need to let Jesus pick up those pieces and hold them for me.  To let the Holy Spirit guide me, to relinquish the control I clung to.

But with this realization came intense fear.  Doubt.  What will happen if I let go?  What will I be asked to do?  To give up?  What if I don’t have what it takes?  What if I fail?  Can I really trust that He will provide?  Too many questions.  Too many unknowns. 

Then, at a retreat for the clergy and spouses of our diocese, I was so blessed by a word the Lord spoke to me.  During a time of prayer, our Bishop prayed that he knew there were some people present who needed to open their hearts.  Of course, I identified with that right away.  This had been on my mind for several months, but I was still coming to terms with it.  So I began to open my heart right there.  I started telling God that I knew He was speaking to me, but that fear had been holding me back, and I didn’t know what to do with that.  He spoke clearly and powerfully to me through the prayers of others, through my own prayers, and through His Word.  He reminded me that He will show me the way, He will provide more than I could ever ask or imagine, that I need not fear, only believe. 

So, I’ve jumped in the river, and the freedom I’m experiencing is incredible.  The other day I came across one of the books I purchased in my earnest attempt to fix myself.  It was about the fruit of the Spirit.  As I put it away, I joyfully thanked God for this journey I’ve been on; for the place I am now; for the opportunity to be in communion with Him, Father, Son, Spirit; for the fruits He produces in us when we allow Him to enter in.  For the freedom from feeling like I have to figure it all out and make the fruits take root in my life. 

Now I’m not saying it’s all sunshine and roses.  As Fr. Eirik so eloquently reminded us in his recent sermon, just like Thomas, we often don’t trust easily.  We need to come just as we are, humbly, honestly, admitting our faithlessness.  And while He will give us marvelous signs to show us that He is enough, the true blessing comes when we believe.  When we are in communion with Him, with our defenses down, just being in His presence will allow Him to renew us into the fullness of life, in the hope and reality of His resurrection.  Because He has overcome, all of our shortcomings, our fears, our doubts.  And His wounds are the way to the Father.  The way to abundant life, a life of victorious freedom in the Holy Spirit. 

 

THE Reason, and Other Reflections on Holy Week

Holy Week.  THE week that liturgical churches anticipate with a mix of delighted excitement and anxious preparation every year.

Let me be embarrassingly honest here.  I’ve never really been excited about Holy Week.  Since we’ve been attending Light of Christ Anglican Church in Kenosha, WI (shameless plug!), it’s always been a LONG week of late nights with grumpy kids and impossible expectations for quiet services (at least some of them).  Not to mention all the planning, scheduling, bulletin-making, and other ways I’ve been involved in years past.  And through it all, I was just trudging through with my head down, running out the door as soon as each service was over, or even before it was done, thankful for the excuse of overtired children.

This year, we decided to travel back to Virginia/Tennessee for our 10th college reunion.  We knew it was the weekend of Palm Sunday, but it doubled as a trip to visit family, and we haven’t been back home in over a year.  So we decided to bite the bullet and make the trip.  The week before, we seriously thought about cancelling at the last minute.  Both of us were totally overwhelmed by all we had going on.  It’s almost the end of my first semester in grad school.  Luke has more church responsibilities now that he’s ordained.  Plus he had to try to figure out how to fit in his clients at work since we would be gone several days.  But in the end, we decided to go, and we were glad we did.  It was truly a fun time.  We celebrated Kenna’s 9th birthday with family, we had warm sunny weather every day, we saw old friends, we had a date night.  Very refreshing and relaxing!  Although we won’t plan a trip before/during Holy Week again…

We came back on Tuesday, two days before Luke was scheduled to preach on Maundy Thursday.  In case you’re wondering, preaching weeks are HARD.  I worked the rest of the week and had (still have!) mountains of work to finish on two huge projects for school.  The dog was sick.  Really sick.  The kids had a rehearsal on Wednesday evening right after school, which meant dinner and homework were happening at bedtime.  Unpacking, post-vacation laundry.   What were we thinking??!!

On Thursday evening, as soon as I finished my work day I had to make a quick dinner to feed the kids, get all four dressed and out the door for our 7pm service.  It wasn’t pretty, mostly because of MY attitude, not theirs.  Side note: bedtime at this house is 7:30pm, so perhaps you can imagine how I feel about 7pm church services?  Thankfully, our church brings in an outside childcare provider so we can all fully participate in each service.  Truly, I am thankful for that.  But still, I sat down at the service in a very crabby mood.  I didn’t know exactly why, but I did NOT want to be there.  I was allowing myself to sulk because of all I have going on, and since Holy Week had never been a bright spot for me before, this was just one more night service to endure.  And I was weighed down by guilt over fussing at the kids when I was getting them ready to leave.  And then I listened to Luke’s message.  As is appropriate for Maundy Thursday, it was about love.  And the guilt increased, because all I could think about was how I wish I was better about showing the love of Jesus to my kids.  But then, he said something about how we have the opportunity to hold the light of Jesus in our hands as we wash the feet of our loved ones.  I can’t explain it, but those words touched me so deeply.  I was reminded that even when it’s hard, even when I screw up, even when it feels like my kids ignore everything I’m saying, it’s the light and love of Jesus that binds our family together and gives shape to our love for each other.  I left the service with a heart full of light and love instead of darkness and guilt.  To top it off, the kids and I had a sweet conversation about the love of Jesus on our way home, and bedtime even went (fairly) well!

Friday, I woke up excited about what the Lord had in store for me.  I had to work all day, but I’m so blessed by my flexible job, and I was able to use my lunch break to drive down to Kenosha and work the rest of the day from there.  Luke spent all day at the church, coordinating the various events.  The kids spent all day playing with friends and had a blast.  That night, our dear Deacon Jan shared such a beautiful word about what Jesus did for us on the cross.  It was fresh and poignant, and so fitting as we prepared for the veneration, a time when we touch the wood of the cross in adoration of our Savior’s sacrifice.  At this service, I was overcome by gratitude for the clergy in our church.  Fr. Eirik and our Deacons are incredibly humble, gracious, loving servants who truly lead by example.  I praised God for moving our church in the direction of bringing Fr. Eirik on as our full-time rector, because I know without a doubt that he is the right leader for this body of believers.  And I praised God for bringing Luke and me here, and leading us to ordination here, in this church, in this diocese.  I left the service knowing with certainty that we are in the right place, and so thankful for His sovereignty.  What a blessing!

Needless to say, Saturday was also a joyful day.  As I took the kids to a rehearsal and delivered food to the home across the street where we all gather for meals, I felt like I was at a family reunion.  The home belongs to our Deacon Jan and his wife Michelle, whose gift of hospitality is truly remarkable.  Chatting and laughing with friends, feeding and chasing each other’s kids, working together to prepare food and clean up afterwards.  I love this church family!  And the Vigil service – let me tell you, if you’ve never experienced an Easter Vigil, you’re missing out.  This is the first year that I’ve been able to stay through the entire service, and I’m so glad for that!  The readings were incredible, each one in its own way.  Seriously, we have some amazingly talented people.  I was blown away as I reflected on each person’s gifts and how we all use them to glorify Him.  And Fr. Eirik’s message was like the Lord was speaking directly to me.  It was perfectly in line with many things I’ve been praying about and meditating on in recent months.  The Holy Noise, the praising, the rejoicing, the dancing – no words to describe it.  What a grand celebration of the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!  How can you not be swept up in the joy of it all?

And finally, a sweet Sunday morning service.  Bright cheerful flowers on the stage, their fragrance the first thing you notice when you walk in.  Light streaming in the windows, everyone smiling and rejoicing because He is Risen!  I saw a bunny in my yard before the kids got up that morning, and it occurred to me that as cliché as the phrase “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” is, it applies to Easter every bit as much as Christmas.  What is Easter without Jesus?  And now I can truly say that I can’t imagine Easter without Holy Week and all its festivities that remind us of what our Father and His Son have done for us.  Hearing my little six-year-old son running around the house singing “Christ is risen, He is risen indeed!” fills my heart and makes it all worth it.  I was so blessed by this year’s Holy Week.  It was another step on this momentous journey I have been on over the past year (that’s a whole other post!).  I’m already looking forward to next year!!