finding place

The other night I watched a TedTalk about “The Power of Introverts.”  The speaker talked about what it means to be an introvert in a society that places higher value on the gifts of extroversion.  This was the day after I learned my personality type is ISTJ – introverted, organized, practical, detail-oriented, serious.  Basically a nerd.  And at first I was disappointed, maybe even a little embarrassed.  My husband is the total opposite – ENFP.  Extroverted, a visionary, gregarious, charismatic, compassionate.  I want those personality traits.  I mean, doesn’t everyone want to be outgoing?  The socialite, the life of the party, the everyone-wants-to-be-your-friend cool kid?  That’s certainly how I felt growing up, particularly in those oh so difficult years of junior high formation and beyond.

Then in my first year of college, I was part of a group of a handful of friends on my dorm floor.  I knew from the beginning that I didn’t really fit in, but they were fun girls, so we hung out between classes and in the evenings.  I didn’t really know who I was, and that year was a struggle for me emotionally and spiritually.  My husband and I became engaged over Christmas break, but he lived six hours away, and our long distance relationship was tough.  We spent hours on the phone, making plans and trying to decide what the following year would look like for us.  It caused tension with my roommate and friends; they didn’t understand what I was going through, and I was in my own world for much of the spring semester.  At some point they sat me down for a planned “intervention” type discussion.  I don’t remember details, but I vaguely remember the premise being that I had a problem, and they wanted to help “fix” me.  I walked away from that experience truly believing that there was something seriously wrong with me.  I preferred to be alone, and often when I was with a group, I felt awkwardly out of place and uncomfortable.  I have carried those feelings of social inadequacy deep within me for many years, never really understanding why or how I got to that point. 

I still feel that way in many social settings.  I’ve coped by keeping a smile on my face and trudging my way through small talk if someone starts a conversation with me.  Parties and social events actually create anxiety for me.  I hide behind my extrovert husband and rely on him to lead the way.  And I’ve suffered through this for so long without really knowing why.  I guess if you had asked me, I would have identified myself as an introvert.  But I can’t adequately express the relief I have experienced since learning my personality type and gaining a deeper understanding of who I am.  Not just who I am – who God has created me to be.  He purposely wired me this way, with my own personality and set of skills and abilities.  And how necessary they are – the world needs introverts!  Honestly, if you know my husband you know he needs my practical mind to reign him in sometimes! 

Over the past few years I have begun to grasp the knowledge that my identity is wrapped up in being a daughter of our heavenly Father, uniquely crafted in His image to fill a place in this world that only I can fill.  I’m realizing that for most of my life I have let others to write my story for me.  What joy, what freedom I find when I step back and allow God to write my story and show me how beautifully and wonderfully He made me to be.  I’m growing to be pleased and grateful for who I am, and not so caught up with the idea that there is something wrong with me.  I’m learning to embrace my own giftedness and that of others around me.  And I’m rejoicing in the gentle, gracious Spirit of God that faithfully knits us together to fulfill His kingdom purpose.